Thursday, October 13, 2005

Untitled rant

I saw Hirosh, a japanese friend last night. It was
nice to see him, he looked so happy. Last January
we went to the beach together and he was going for this
Filipina girl living in Netherlands then. Now they are
together. Nakakatuwa. Nakaka-inggit din.

My partner in the office showed me a news coverage in
the states kasi his sister was interviewed for it. God
25 pala ang median age for marriage even in the
states, Argh! Why is there a great big chunk of the
population happily settling down?

Ewan ko ba a night of drinking, scouting for flirt
buds because I'm sexually deprived and 9 months in a
pseudo relationship, and the lunch time conversation
about 25 being the age where you can't get away with
being young and stupid anymore is driving me nuts.

It reminds me that my life is not quite turning out
the way I want it to be. Remember when you were a kid
and you thought I'd graduate with honors, get a job,
settle down.
But no there are many things in between these simple
Oh crap.

I'm tired of being able to handle all the
idiosynracies of modern life. Of the complexities and
all the fucking gray areas. Oh I can have sex without
feeling anything, I hate it , I really really do. I am
definitely not proud of what I have become but I will
not judge others who go through the same process.

I have yet to break this problem down into units I can
actually solve.

Last night I was thinking, I just want to be faithful
to the man I am with and actually build a life
together. Cynical as I am that is what I want to do.
I'm at a loss at how to go about it.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

My butt hurts

Yesterday was the day after the major overtime for the pitch. I had been granted a day off so I went to the gym after 2 weeks of not working out and just working on my computer.

I felt like the biblical prodigal daughter. All my muscles hated me because I had ignored them, pretended they didn't exist.

I was ambitous to think I could get their favor back by completeing my routine this time. Usually I just went to the gym because I had nothing to do within the iterim of my waking up (6:30) and my actual departure from QC (8:30-9). I'd commonly have time for the cardio workout, a few reps on the arm and leg machines. I made it a point to know all the machines and dumbells i had to try this time because I had the luxury to do so. Good thing I was waiting for a friend to check the gym out, otherwise I wouldn't have lasted.

Now even the muscles i never knew existed hurt.

But the good thing is I now have a gym buddy. The cute marketing guy convinced her!

Friday, October 07, 2005


Work has consumed me again I haven't even had time to write about my vacation two weeks ago, or about all the little events in between. Well now I have the time to kill, and although I am still at work(ON A SATURDAY), I really must get away from overthinking what we are writing about or my scipts will get muddled.

I guess i'd better just backtrack kasi its easier that way.

October 7, 2005 Friday

Last night I went out drinking with this dutch friend of a friend named Bart. It was a weird night but not as bad as I had feared. I actually dodged his invitation to go out yesterday afternoon because the last two times he was with our group of friends he wasn't very engaging. He even has less to say than I do and I am very quiet! But then I got tired of work and he did offer to go out, so I said I was up to a drink. Fortunately he was in Makati so we we met in Havanna and went for a drink in 6 underground. The music was OK the beer was cheap so I was pretty happy. I had to regularly conk myself out of getting carried away by the music or the alcohol though, to ask how he was doing. He's so damn quiet! I would have loved to bar hop some more and look for a few friends but I wanted to wake up early for gym (which I didn't go to again!) and Bart was just about ready to go home. Blah! But I think we had at least an exchange of 30 sentences(wow world record!)

October 6, 2005 Thursday

Its been kind of a roller coaster week at work and i was a tad too busy last thursday because I had to work in the morning, shop with my sis during lunch, overtime and work on a racket in the evening. I didn't even go to my thursday club. I did have my share of excitement for the night because of a series of unfortunate events. I came home around 11 to work on my racket. I had just come home from overtime and was hoping to relax a little before I went on with the rest of the work for the night. But then the house was all messed up, and smelly! Aparently our dog julio had began to smell. The household help and the other people in the house accepted this fact and didn't even think it was a symptom of anything. I asked if anyone had actually contacted the vet because i had left money a few weeks ago for a consult i couldn't arrange myself, you I had began to worry about our dog because he had become very weak and thin. The helper said no and explained she had fed julio, taken him for a bath and so on and so forth. She kept on yacking about their daily routine after glossing over the fact that none of the people who get home early and stay in the house have ever walked to the vet to ask if there was something wrong with our dog. Why don't we just shoot the mut to end his suffering? I wanted to interject as she was yacking.

After a bit of cleaning, deodorizing the area and ranting and rummaging for materials I went out to buy some extra supplies for my racket. My nephew didn't want to share his bond paper with me so I had to go to 7-11 to buy some (leche I'll skin that fat kid one day to make chicharon). I got some snacks for some craft time with my greedy nephew(but really work time for me) and an internet card for the house i set for home. I got down the jeep early to see if the vet was still up because the sign on his office indicated he ran a 24 hour facility. In my pantulog I stepped into his smelly office to be greeted by 3 shirtless men in a dingy office with a table full of pale pilsens. ARRGGH!!!! I slowly inched my way closer to the door as I explained our dog's predicament. The vet gave me a that-sounds-terminal look and I asked him if my dog had distemper. "I really can't say, I have to see him". I quicly arranged for a home consult the next day and rushed out of the office before I myself got examined.

Ooops got to go got to work again
Ooooh seems like my boss liked the scripts! hurrah for not overthinking!

October 5, 2005 Wednesday

Nonevent just work, teleconferencing with another boss.

October 4, 2005 Tuesday

I was guessing tuesday wouldn't be busy, I came in late to offset some of the weekend overtime. The office was like a ghost town after the lo-o-ong stretch of work the pitch had made us all do. We bought groceries for our communal pantry ( because nobody believed me that I had bought groceries already). I finished my bank errands and went up thinking I could take a nap. I was contentedly lying down the team bean bag when the new senior AD chit chatted with me. About 15 minutes into the conversation I figured maybe he does want to talk so I straightened up, after all I had been looking at him upside down from where I was lying.

He was sitting on one of the steps of the big windows at the edge of our cubicles. I was on the space between another big window and a dividing wall that hid the bean bag from prying eyes of bosses. They were apparently doing work for the Philippine Psychological Association and he was asking about my thoughts on the topic. It began with a simple " yes I do believe there is a stigma..." and went on about personal experiences of friends who sought help and even my own attempt at counseling. He then divulged his thoughts and experiences. You know the feeling when you're parents tell strangers about your life story? When somebody else says things that you'd rather not tell and blurt it out to unsuspecting strangers? I had that vibe about our conversation. It was around 3:30 in the afternoon then and the light pouring fom the windows and the soft shadows the dividing wall provided gave faces a look of sincerity. As our conversation took a slight philosphical turn and I didn't know what to do, I was thinking this is a little too much information I've only known him for two days I wasn't prepared to have found out about his past and I wanted so much to just lie on my spot and and read. Hmm it was like the gordian knot I didn't know what to do next, I could only politely say "Sge I'll try to throw in a few thoughts if i come up with anything." Luckily an officemate wanted my spot and I gladly gave it up.

October 3,2005 Monday

My partner came in from a 3 week leave in Spain. Much to his demise the communal pantries were empty, his password for windows wouldn't work and his chair was missing. And everyone was on the pitch so there weren't many people to talk to:( Add to that I told him he got a message from joyce j on one of the days that he was away and we opened his computer.

The new tisoy executive art director also came in. Sayang it would have been a nice day for a day out with the new complete office family but we alll were doing things. Monday was the last day of the of intensive work befoer the pitch. The print outs of the posters came in ( I must say large format laser printing rules!) . The last few boards were being colored and printed, and NJ and I were piecing together the large story book we made(Speaking about large format!). We even learned to ring bind. Everyone liked what we cam up with so I don't feel that all that large format mano-mano work was absurd anymore. Well not as much as I did when we were making the book pages armed with acrylic paint and brushes last Sunday. So everything went well, even the posters for our concept came out pretty good. Then we all headed for a drink. It was fun! I was able to talk to people I never got to talk to much before: John, Ray, some new people I never got met and can now barely remember. And in my inebriated state I even bought groceries to fill the pantries. We all ate at Mcdo after, happy office bonding:)

September 26 to 30

Working with two CDs can be a bit of a tough nut to crack because there can be two directions to follow. But what we came up with was a lot of fun and the clients were smiling after the presentations. We presented 4 boards armed with five presentor plus our ECD, it was quite a breath taking presentation.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Dimsum Dreams

There's nothing like a little dimsum to make me happy. Been having visions of dimsum all morning, as I woke up with an empty stomach. Didn't have a proper dinner last night and binged on shing-a-ling(a local stringy fried flour junkfood) and trail mix(a weird mix of japanese style trail food). I was stress eating because I just came across a guy I used to go out with and he was holding an umbrella for this girl(obviously his girlfriend) whose face I didn't see(on purpose). After I recognized him I went along a different path kasi I was about to go straight ahead in their direction. I think he saw me soon after because I heard a suppressed yelp after I had passed them. I swear I will never go out with guys who belong to the same zip code as I. Because a) the probability of seeing them again is high, and b) the akwardness quotient of such occassions are even higher.

ARGH! I didn't even feel like being in my version of prettified yesterday and it was raining and i had a cold. I must have looked bad, good thing he did too. When I had mustered the courage to look back at him I just focused my eyes on the girl he was with. Short, thin pinay with long hair(bad hair by the way). Hahaha bad hair, not that mine looks great but still. So anyway thank god for warm dimsum! nothing like good food to make the soul calm! Hehehe she had bad hair.

Monday, September 19, 2005


Why now?

Over the past month i have gone from HAPPY to neurotically happy to just plain happy. The first two variations of the emotion due to renewing my relations with this guy i had chucked three months ago.

I was in love again! Madly in love!

It was terribly wrong to chuck him I thought, because I was so miserable after. I kept crying at night. I rented home movies to distract myself whenever I wasn't out with friends. But even the comedies made me cry. I didn't feel like going out with anyone and I wasn't up to meeting anyone new.

Then last month we slipped into the old routine of our daily conversations. I was genuinely happy, even other people noticed. And even if the old problems were stilll there I didn't care anymore, I'd take it a day at a time and then eventually we'd sort it out, and so I thought.

Then eventually I got around to asking him about the old problems and asked if the emotional investment was worth it(of course not in these female psycho analayzing terms). I felt it wasn't right to be neuroticaly happy over a pseudo relationship so he's got o at least tell me if he intends to take this somewhere. I was booking flights to go on vacation to visit him for goodness sakes. And yet he couldn't answer me. I had to cut communications again.

Only this time I wasn't unhappy. You see after the 1st pseudo break-up I did all I could to keep myself from getting depressed. I even sought counseling, for my own good, because I couldn't bear being depressed, especially with my birthday approaching then. Jerks come and go, work may suck a day out of every week but my general disposition needn't suffer these high's and lows so much. Its far too tiring.

I didn't find myself crying at night anymore. I actually felt liberated. I used the money for the trip to visit him, for gym membership instead. Lately I've even been giving my fellow just out of a relationship friends a few encouraging words. And a few nights ago I actually got my single and circulating self back and I was happy. I met a few interesting guys over the weekend. I felt it would be nice to go out into the single and dating world again.

I thought today would be the start of a new happy to be over him week again then last night i get a message from him telling me he thinks maybe he should have answered me differently, and that he misses my messages but honestly doesn't know how to answer my questions.

I honestly don't know how to answer your message either Romeo.

Except mybe for the question "Why now?" Why now when I have been managing so well. Was a wreck today. I was on the verge of tears if not distracted properly. I've also been looping the song My Favorite Things from the Sound of Music in my head. Although I've been anticipating the depression, I want this sucky feeling to be over soon!

Brown paper packages tied up with strings...

Sunday, September 04, 2005


All weekends aught to be as relaxed and fun as this weekend was:)
Got to spend a lot of time with friends and family and was able
to check out a lot of places I've been wanting to go to, too.

Spent Friday night with the good old fun group of Shiela, Ateng,
Bong and Mader Erie! We played a game of catch up under the ornate
chandeliers of Cafe Juanita. In as much as the place was brimming
with interesting and unexpected accents, so were Shiela's stories
about funny everyday life in Singapore. I especially liked her
story about their office's cleaning lady who avoided the objects on
the surfaces she wiped, swept only 1/8 of the office area and kept
shutting down her computer accidentaly. I think I only stopped laughing
whenever I left the table to pee. Ateng kasi was up to his old mime like
antics. Eventhe vintage shop/resto's waiters and pianist were entertained by us.
Dapat naningil kami:)

Nakaka miss though, since Shiela left to work in Singapore 2-3 months ago
we haven't been having dinners like these anymore. Sniff.

Saturday was Senior's and Girls day out day for me, as I spent half the day with my mom
and then half the day with my girlie friend jac.

My Mom and I were off to a party that morning! Bear with the long string of connections here
but we were off to the birthday of my sister's very good friend's mother, Mrs. Femie T..
She had just turned 64 and you guessed it the crowd at this party was JUST family and OLD friends:)

My Mom chatted with the guests she knew and I luckily had mys sister to chat with.
When my sister was taking pictures though(which was often), I was stuck staring at the dance floor.
I also explained that I was related to X to those who asked who I was. After pointing at my sister
I THEN HAD TO EXPLAIN that I was in fact younger than she was, just taller. I swear I really shouldn't have just worn something casual instead of my semi formal and kagalang galang outfit, because not many guests beleived I what I said. It was like a vigentte from four weddings and a funeral. I was so tempted to say something like "I'm actually 45" just to shut them up:) But I found all the explaining rather amusing.I danced with the D.I., after much egging from my sister. MAHIRAP MAGSAYAW NG NAKACLOGS HA! But it was fun in an embarassing sort of way. So hanging out with the oldies turned out to be a lot of wholesome much fun.

After my mom and I left the party I shifted into girly mode when jac and I met up.

GIRL'S JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN ang drama namin. We hadn't seen each other for a month and Jac was having a little trouble with her fiance, so we had a lot of talking to do. So we had coffee and dinner at Tomas Morato while cross sectionining her problem of the moment. We weren't up to calling it a night at around 8 o clock so we looked for a place to have a few beers in. But we alarmingly kept bumping into people we knew, and people on the street who were getting married/in their wedding apparel and even accidentaly went in a bar/bridal shop. We quickly retreated to my house and freshened up na lang muna to get away from all the bridal reminders. After which we went out drinking(at some acquaintance's despedida at tribu)and then had coffee again chatting till the wee hours of the morning. I was glad Jac was Ok by the end of the night, not that she wasn't when we started our afternoon together, but she was happy. We never get a chance to go out together on early moring gimmicks kasi. Im glad she had fun!

So I slept rather happy, I had a long and happy day, I even got to catch up with one of my old INTAR doctor friend's,Wawi, while i was waiting for my Mom.

This sunday morning naman I spent lazily with my tita's from the Velmonte side and my sister X and her friend at the weekend market in Salcedo Village. It's Tita Esther's Birthday kasi and we really have been meaning to spend more time with her since our uncle died. We haven't seen her much though lasi she lives so far away in the South(Alabang). Kaya it was good to meet up with her in Makati lalo na I have overdue overtime and Ate X just lives in the vicinity. I've always been wondering about this food market din for so long and planned so many trips to Makati on weekends already kaya this morning was like hitting two bird's with one stone. The first Birthday we spent with Tita Esther and our first visit to the market. It was fun and lazy morning just like any morning spent in the the old tiangge's. The stall owner's were nice and machika kaya masaya bumili. And the food was a good assortment of homemade goodies na you only eat pag special occasions, relyenong tahong, calderetang itik, special salads etc. etc. For sure mauulit itong weekend habit na ito.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

despedida part 1

My best friend is leaving for Switzerland, to get married, this coming April 8 and we had a party tonight in her honor.

Twas an intimate gathering of people from, batch '96, our batch in high school. There was an odd mix of people
three from our grade 7 barkada, 2 from our honor's class in science and one good friend of mine who recently became my me and best friend's drinking buddy.

People came in waves, and well conversations were kind of staggered. Because i played host, I wasn't able to participate much in the talk. I just cross my fingers that everyone got to mingle and have fun.

I was comfortably tipsy half of the night you see, as part of gloating over my shoe string budget and almost empty cupboards capability to pull of a meal for ten.

Nonetheless it was fun to see everyone under one roof, reminiscing a little about high school and talking about how much things have changed since then. I was able to learn a few things, among them were that...

Jimmy, our extremely obsessive compulsive friend who has since the second grade had an unwavering desire to be a doctor, took a year off med school to go on a non credit medical program in Amsterdam after his failed ten year courtship with a girl. He left quite disheartened and uncertain and came back more positive about his love and the opportunities open to him as a doctor.

Christian, my best friend's former suitor turned pseudo kaaway turned good friend again, successfuly came in seventh in their law school class and was very anxious about the results of the bar exam.

Lizzie, my good friend in Fine Arts was proud and sad that her daughter was growing up and graduating from preparatory school (i think) and was uncertain about how her relationships with would turn out.

I was drunk

Strangely the hours seemed to go by quickly as we played the flimsy fortune telling game yes, no, maybe, never. Asking questions answerable by the four previous words to the deck of cards. As we waited for the designated ace to match the cards being opened, we asked if our hopes and fears would ever come true.